Feature Creature – Dense Edition

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Scene: Saturday Night- I’m out at a show.  My phone starts going mental, I check the notifications because I assume there is a life and death emergency that I need to attend to.  Nope it’s a guy on one of the dating websites.  Let me give you a transcript…

Dude is a 33 year old, no profile picture, nothing written in his profile other than he’s looking for a woman between 18 and 51.

Me- well obviously that’s me.  Urban goddess frequents yoga studios, coffee shops and farmer’s markets.

Dude– You looks very sexy

Dude– Do you live in New Westminster why don’t we meet tomorrow at Hops pub. only if interested (note: dive bar under a train station that I wouldn’t be caught dead in)

Dude– I’m a dark brown athletic young guy

Me– Hopps????? That’s pretty low rent.  Behind the 7-11 on 12th st is too fancy? (note: even shittier part of town)

Dude– Ok can we meet there

Dude– Are you interested?

Me– Sure I’m already there.  To the left of the dumpster.  Ignore the dude in the fedora.  Please bring mustard.  All will be explained later.

Dude– Can we meet in the afternoon (note: it was at this point that I realized I had a dumb one)

Me– Oh that might be tough.  I have a business meeting at The Ivanhoe and a coffee thing at the Number 7 Orange.  And then I’m saving baby whales at night.  Darn.  It might not work. (note: the Ivanhoe is a bar, and the Number 7 Orange is a strip club both are in skid row)

Dude-Till what time you will be there

Me– Well… Tough to say.  Maybe you should just go there.  Obviously I will never arrive but maybe you will find what you’re looking for.

Dude– Who is there?

Dude– I love to meet you

Me– Thank you for being the must dense guy in a while.  You will be featured on my blog.

Me– Goodbye.

Dude– Can we meet?

Me– Not a chance

Dude– Ok.

meet you here, bring mustard

meet you here, bring mustard

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Feature Creature: Bottom of the Dumpster

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It’s been an interesting week of online dating messages.  All of them deserve blog posts on their own, but I’ve been too busy to properly string them along to see just how sideshow they really are.  It’s a never ending parade of freaks.

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Just your typical 57 year old taking selfies in Kamloops motel rooms and sending me messages.  So gross.  Why would I want to date someone 23 years older than me?  I thought about telling him to go date an 80 year old (23 years older than him).  Instead I told him to get a life and blocked him.

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Just your typical cuddly teddy bear looking for an angel.  Although he might be a nice person, the English in his profile was so bad I could hardly understand it.  I’ll summarize, he has no hobbies, no social life and really really wants to cuddle someone, anyone.  Guaranteed leach, escaping his chubby arms would not be an easy task.

scrappy

This guy makes a living by collecting scrap metal, so essentially a dumpster diver with the posture of a wet noodle.  Lucky for me he’s 650Km away and he’d have to collect scrap for 10 years before he’d get enough money to hop on a greyhound bus to Vancouver.

Now don’t despair for me, there have been some half decent ones as well this week, they just don’t deserve to be blogged about.

Adventures in Online Dating Part 1

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What’s a eco-singleton to do but put herself out there on the internet and wait for the strangest fish in the ocean to swim on by.  My friends and co-workers are so entertained by the strange responses I get.  Some websites are better than others.  This might become a new feature on the blog.  Maybe instead of Adventures in Online Dating it should be called “Feature Creature”?

 

Creature #1

Creature #1

Sadly this was the most normal part of the conversation.  After I told him his lack of conversation skills was the reason he was single, he then sent me a very very long response explaining why this was a perfectly acceptable start to a conversation with a stranger.  I didn’t save that part of the conversation but rest assured, it was full on crazy.